Oh, yeah
Oh
Youre gonna wake up one mornin
As the sun greets the dawn
Youre gonna wake up one mornin
As the sun greets the dawn
You didn t realize
Oh, youre gonna miss me, baby
Oh, youre gonna miss me, baby - What came first? -
The music or the misery
People worry about kids playing with ... guns, or watching violent videos
that some sort ofculture of .violence will take them over
Nobody worries about kids - listening to thousands
literally, thousands of songs ... about heartbreak, rejection
.pain, misery and loss
Did I listen to pop music ... because I was miserable
or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
Youre gonna wake up wonderin
Find yourself on the floor
.You dont have to go this second .You can stay until whenever
No. Weve done the hard - part now. I might as well
Why dont you stay for tonight then?
.Laura
Yourejust -gonna
My desert island, all-time top ... five most memorable breakups
...in chronological order
:are as follows
...Alison Ashmore, Penny Hardwick
Jackie Alden, Charlie .Nicholson and Sarah Kendrew
.Those were the ones that really hurt
Can you see your name ?on that list, Laura
.Maybe youd sneak into the top ten
But theresjust no room !foryou in the top five. Sorry
Those places are reserved for the ... kind of humiliation and heartbreak
.yourejust not capable ofdelivering
Im not coming home
,If you really wanted to mess me up !you shouldve gotten to me earlier
Oh, yeah
Oh
Which brings us to number one on :the top five, all-time breakup list
.Alison Ashmore
Candy on the beach Theres nothing better
One moment they werent there. Not in .any form that interested us, anyway
,And then the next .you couldnt miss them
,They were everywhere .and theyd grown breasts
- And we wanted - I want candy -
Actually, we didnt .even know what we wanted
I want candy -.But it was something interesting -
.Disturbing, even - I want candy -
:My relationship with Alison Ashmore lasted for six hours - I want candy -
,the two hours after school ... before The RockfordFiles
.for three days in a row
But on the -fourth afternoon
.Kevin Bannister
.Slut
It would be nice to think that ... since I was 14, times have changed
relationships have become ... more sophisticated
...females less cruel
.skins thicker, instincts more developed
But there seems to be an element of that afternoon. in everything thats happened to me since
All my romantic stories are a .scrambled version of that first one
Number two on the top five, all-time .breakup list was Penny Hardwick
...Penny was great-looking
and her top-five recording artists ... were Carly Simon, Carole King
.James Taylor, Cat Stevens and EltonJohn
I remember when rock was young
Me and Susie had so much fun -!Erin! No, come here -
Holdin hands and skimmin stones
Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own -.She was nice -
.Nice manners, nice grades, nice looking
She was so nice, in fact, that ... she wouldnt let me put my hand
.underneath or even on top of her bra
Now, when she comes walkin over -.Attack and defence. Invasion and repulsion -
It was as if breasts were little pieces of property .that had unlawfully annexed by the opposite sex
,They were rightfully ours .and we wanted them back
Crimson andclover
Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her .breasts that I would try to touch her between her legs
I was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting .turned down and asking for 50 grand instead
I wasnt interested in Pennyss ... nice qualities, just breasts
.and therefore she was no good to me
Whats the point? It. never goes anywhere
?Rob
I started dating a girl who everyone ... said would give it up and who didnt
and Penny went with this asshole named Chris ... Thompson who told me that he had sex with her
.after something like three dates
I own this store called .Championship Vinyl
Its located in a neighbourhood that .attracts the bare minimum ofwindow shoppers
I get by because the people make .a special effort to shop here
...Mostly young men
who spend all their time looking ... for deleted Smiths singles
,and original- not re-released .underlined- Frank Zappa albums
.Fetish properties are not unlike porn
Id feel guilty taking ... their money if I wasntt
.well, kinda one ofem
.Morning, Dick - .Oh. Hi. Hi, Rob -
?Have a good weekend - .Yeah, okay -
Um, I found the first Liquorice ... Comfits album over at Vintage Vinyl
.the one on Testament of Youth
.Never released here .A Japanese import only
.Great. Great
.Ill tape it foryou - .No, thatss okay. Really -
Cause you liked their second .one, you said. Um, Pop Girls, Etc
Thats the one with .Cheryl Ladd on the cover
.Oh, you never saw the cover, though .You just had that tape that I made you
Yeah, I havent really .absorbed that one yet
...Well
.Ill just make it foryou -.Okay -
Seymour Stein
Ive been lonely
?Dick. Whats this -.Itss the new Belle and Sebastian -
?Do you like it
.Holy Shiite
What the fuck is that? -Its - - the new Belle and Sebastian that
Its a record wevve been .listening to and enjoying, Barry
,Well, thats unfortunate .because it sucks ass
.Yours, I assume
Mmm, yeah
I used to think maybe you loved me
Now, baby, Im sure
!Turn it off, Barry
And I just cant wait till the day when - -you knock - It wontt go any louder! I
On my door - !Turn it off -
Now every time I go for the mailbox I gotta hold myself down
Cause Ijust cantt wait - till you write me your
Okay, buddy, uh, I was .just trying to cheer us up
So, go ahead. Put on some old .sad bastard music. See if I care
,I dont wanna hear old sad bastard music .Barry. I just want something that I can ignore
Heres the thing: I made .that tape special for today
My special Monday morning !tape for you, special
!Well, its fucking Monday afternoon !You should get out of bed earlier
.Come on, dude. Play it
?Dont you wanna hear whatss next
?Whats next - .Play it -
.Say it
LLittle Latin Loopy-Loo.
?Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels -!No -
.The Righteous Brothers - .Well, never mind -
- No, not never mind. You tell me right now ?whats wrong with the Righteous Brothers
Nothing. I- I just prefer - !the other one. - Bullshit
How can it be bullshit ?to state a preference
?Since when did this store become a fascist regime -.Since you brought that bullshit tape in -
Oh, man, thats great. Thatss the fun .thing about working in a record store
You get to play crappy pap .you dont even wanna listen to
I just - I thought this tape... was gonna be a fuckin
.conversation stimulator, man
I was gonna ask you for your top five records ... to play on a Monday morning and all that
.and you just had to fuckin ruin it
.Well do it next Monday - !No! I wanna do it now -
I cant fire them. I hired these guys for three days .a week, and they just started showing up every day
.That was fouryears ago
Number three on the top ?five all-time breakup list
.Charlie Nicholson .Sophomore year ofcollege
.Whoo! Am I glad thats over
As soon as I saw her I realized she was ... the kind of girl Id wanted to meet
ever since I was old enough .to want to meet girls
.I mean, she was different
.She was dramatic and she was exotic
The guy with the make-up and the tongue Gene Simmons. - Gene Simmons. There
And she talked a lot, and when she talked ... she said remarkably interesting things
about music, books, film and politics
Yeah, Chairman Mao. And she talked a lot Have you ever seen him less than 300 feet tall
No Huh? No
And you wont will you, sweetheart? No
.Kiss my neck. Yeah
.And she liked me
.She liked me. She liked me
.At least I think she did
Do you like that one? Yeah
.Its okay
...We went out for two years, and
.I never got comfortable
Why would a girl - No, a woman?like Charlie go out with me
I felt like a fraud. I felt like one of those people who .suddenly shave their heads and said theyd always been punks
I was sure Id be .discovered at any second
And I worried about my .abilities as a lover
And I was intimidated by other ... men in her design department
and became convinced she was .gonna leave me for one ofthem
Then she left me for one .of them. The dreaded Marco
Charlie, you fucking !bitch! Lets work it out
!Just open the fucking door! Charlie
Look, lets - talk it- Char
.And then I lost it
Kinda lost it all, you know?
.Faith, dignity, about 15 pounds
...When I came to a few months later
,I found, to my surprise .I had flunked out ofschool
.I started working in a record shop
Some people never got over Nam or the .night their band opened for Nirvana
.I guess I never really got over Charlie
But the thing I learned from the whole Charlie .debacle is that you gotta punch your weight
.See, Charlie, shes out of my class
Shes too pretty, too .smart, too witty, too much
.I mean, what am I? Im a middleweight
Hey, Im not the smartest guy in the .world, but Imm certainly not the dumbest
I mean, Ive read books like The ... Unbearable Lightness ofBeing
,and Love in the Time of Cholera and. uh - and I think Ive understood them
I mean, theyre about .girls, right? Just kidding
...But I have to say
my all-time favourite book is Johnny .Cashs autobiography, Cash byJohnny Cash
.Championship - .Hi -
.Hi
...Um, I was thinking
I could come by the house and pick up .some stuff while youre at work tomorrow
.While Im at work. While Imm at work
Oh, boy, oh, boy Thats what you got to say is? OOOOOOOOOOh, boy
,I mean -bravo. Thats
.Laura, this is just so dumb - .I mean, you should- - Look, Rob
.I gotta go
Um, Im looking for a record .for my daughter for her birthday
Just Called to Say I Love You. Do you have it?
- .Yeah. - Great - .We have it. - Great
?Can I have it then - .No. No, you cant -
?Why not -.Well, its sentimental, tacky crap, thatss why not -
Do we look like the kind of store that sells Just Called to Say I Love You?
.Go to the mall
?Whats your problem -?Do you even know your daughter -
Theres no way she likes that?song. Oh - Uh, oh, is she in a coma
Oh, okay, buddy. I didnt know it was .Pick On The Middle-Aged Square Guy Day
.My apologies. Ill be on my way
.Bye-bye
.Fuck you
Nice, Barry. Really, really .nice. That was just top class
Rob. Top Five Musical Crimes Perpetrated .by Stevie Wonder in the 80s and 990s. Go
Sub-question: Is it, in fact, unfair to criticize ?a formerly great artist for his latter-day sins
Is it better to burn?out than to fade away
!Barry, Im fucking broke, man -.Jesus! He was gonna buy one record, which we didntt even have, and then leave and never come back again anyway -
?Thats not the point. What did he ever do to you -.He offended me with his terrible taste -
It wasnt even his terrible .taste. It was his daughterss
Are you defending that .ass-muncher? Come on, Rob
Youre going soft in!your old age. Jesus
Now all of a sudden Im .offending your golf buddy
Im gonna tell you something .foryour own good, pal
Thats the worst fuckin sweater. Ivvve ever seen. Itssss a Cosby sweater
!A Cosby sweater
Did Laura let you leave the - house like that, because
!Hey- - Hey! Hey - .Fuckin asshole -
- -What are you do - ?Shut up. Will you shut up
Uh... - Will you? - break it - .up. - Youre a fuckin maniac
I swear to God, if you tore this thing, its .vintage, and I would fuckin sockyour nose
.Youll pay big
?Are you all right
Yeah. Look, Dick, Laura .and I broke up. Shes gone
,So if you ever see Barry again .maybe you could tell him that
.Of course I will, Rob. No problem
.No problem at all
Ill tell him next time .I see him. Definitely
Ive, uh, got some other stuff to .tell him, anyway, so itss no problem
,Ill just tell him ... you know, about Laura
...um, when I tell him
.the other stuff
Do you want to talk about ?it, that kind ofthing
.No. Thank you, though, Dick
.Thank you
Look at these. I used to dream Id be surrounded .by exotic womenss underwear forever and ever
Now I know they just save their best pairs for the .nights they know theyre gonna sleep with somebody
Hello, Laura, this is your mother. Your .fathers angina is a little rough today
I thought he might like to .talk to you. Its no big deal
.I love you two. Bye-bye
.Anyway, me and Charlie, we didnt match
.Marco and Charlie matched
Me and Sarah, number four on .the all-time list? We matched
Shed just been dumped by .some asshole named Michael
.I mean, Michael was such an asshole
.Id just been run over by Charlie
.I know exactly what you mean
I mean, its just so .painful and draining
.Im just gonna be by myself for a while
.Me too. Me too
It made sense to pool our collective .loathing for the opposite sex
And while we were at it we could share .a bed with somebody at the same time
We were frightened of being left .alone for the rest ofour lives
Only people of a certain disposition are frightened .of being left alone for the rest oftheir lives at 26
.We were of that disposition
- So when she told me - .Ive met someone else -
Who?
.Just someone else
It was contrary to the whole .spirit of our arrangement
I dont have to take this shit. You?think I fuckin look like shit, huh
?So how come I got dumped
What?
?Hey, Dick. Come on in. What is it - ... Oh, um, well, were going to Lounge Axe -
and, um, I was just wondering if .you wanted to come along with us
Whoa
.Um, Marie De Salles playing
You remember I told you .about her today? I like her
,Shes kind of Sheryl Crow-ish, crossed with a, um .post-Partridge Family, pre-L.A. Law Susan Dey kind of thing
.But, you know, um, black -.Yeah -
So, um, I just wanted to know .if you wanted to come along
Barry thought so too, really, but ... I guess it looks as if youre
.reorganizing your records - .Reorganizing my records. Yeah -
?Um, what is this, uh, chronological
No
.Not alphabetical - .Nope -
What?
.Autobiographical
.No fucking way -.Yep -
I can tell you how I got from Deep .Purple to Howling Wolf in just 25 moves
Oh, my God... And, if I want to find the song LLandslide, by Fleetwood Mac?
I have to remember that I bought it ... for someone in the fall of 1983 pile
but didnt give it to .them for personal reasons
- That sounds - ?Comforting -
.Yes - .It is -
?Hello - .Well, shoo -
I can stick around, you know, man, if. you- I- if you want me to help out
But you really shouldnt, uh, keep eem piled .like this, because it gets really pressured
- ?Hold on. - You know - .See you tomorrow. - Oh. Okay
.Okay -.Ill see you -
.Hi, Mom - ?Hows the store -
You know something? Youre very lucky .that Laura is doing as well as shess doing
Because if it wasnt for her, I dontt .think either of us would ever sleep
.She left. Shes gone
?What? What do you mean
?Where did she go - ?How would I know where -
Shes gone. Girlfriend leave. Not .say where gone. Laura move out
.Well, call her mother - .Shejust called -
She doesnt even know. Probably the .last time Illl ever hear her voice
.Im all right, if thatss whatsss upsetting you -.That is not whatssss upsetting me -
?Well, it fuckin should be, shouldntt it -.I knew this would happen -
?What are you gonna do, Rob -.Im gonna drink a bottle ofwine, Imm gonna watch TV and go to bed -
.Then Im gonna go to work -?And then what -
Im gonna meet a nice .girl and have children
,I promise the next time we talk?Ill have it all figured out. Okay
I knew- I knew it was gonna happen - ?again. - What are you getting so upset about
?Do you know why she left -.Its got nothing to do with marriage -
!So you say -.Mom, Im telling you for the last time -
Laura didnt even want to get .married. Shess not that kind of girl
?Thats not what happens now. Okay - .Oh, Idontt know what happensnow -
,Apart from you meet someone !you move in, she goes
!You meet someone, you move in, shegoes
!Shut up, Mom! Goddam
.Thats some cold shit
John Dillinger was shot dead behind .that theatre in a hail of FBl gunfire
You know who tipped em .off? His fuckin girlfriend
.He just wanted to go to the movies
?Is that Peter fucking Frampton
I wish I could buy words
Out of season
So dont
Dont hesitate
Cause our love
Just wont wait
Ooh, baby, I love your way
Rob. - Wanna tell - ?you I love - What
.Yeah. Hey - Your way -
I always hated that - .song. - Yeah. - Yeah
Now I kinda like it. - Wanna be - .with you night and day - Yeah. - Yeah
Yeah
Cause I
She shouldve done it on .The Number Four with a Smile
Wasnt her record called?NumberFour with a Smile
Thats what I said - No, no. You said TTTTTTTTTThe NumberFour with a Smile.
Theres no TTTTTTTTTThe at the. front of the title of the album
Its a reference to a ... Chinese meal in Toronto
uh, so I think that there is TThe, but I could be wrong
.You can be, and are, wrong - Wanna tell you I love your way -
I wanna be with you night andday
.I wanna date a musician
Cause I -.I wanna live with a musician -
Feel that you - ... Shed write songs at home and ask me what I thought ofeem -
and maybe even include one ofour .private little jokes in the liner notes
Maybe a little picture .of me in the liner notes
.Just in the background somewhere
Dont hesitate - .Yeah -
?So, um, do you live in Chicago now -.I do -
Do you love it? You should .come to our record store
.Championship Vinyl -.Oh, my God, yes. Oh, youd love it -
.We sell a little bit of anything that matters -.He owns it. Its on Milwaukee -
,Rock, soul, trip-hop - .salsa. - Ska, techno and pop
.Will you come? - Yeah, Marie - .Okay, okay. - Sounds good -
Championship Vinyl. - Championship - .Vinyl. - Enjoyed your set
.Thank you
?Barry, whyd you tell her about the store, man -.Oh, man, Imm sorry -
I didnt know it was .classified information
,I mean, I know we dont have any customers ... but I thought that was a bad thing
.not, like, a business strategy
.Rob?Its Liz
,Just calling to see if .you know, well, youre okay
,Look, Im your friend too .so Imm not taking sides. Yet
Shadows grow so long before my eyes -.Give me a call. Okay?Bye -
.Hi -?What are you doing here -
.Took the morning off -.Come on, Rob -
?Do you still love me
?Well, its not really the issue, is it
?Why? I mean, what else is there ?What do you mean? What else is there
I dont know. It doesntt change .the way we donttt get along at all
In fact, I hope were not in .love any more, to be honest
.It would give me a better opinion of love right now -!Come on -
What, did I beat you? Did I tell you you?were a bad person? I mean, what the fuck
?What should I have done to make you happy -.Nothing. Make yourself happy -
?Oh, I see. Um, wh-why am I not happy
Because youre the same ... person you used to be
.and Im not
.And all Ive done is change jobs -.Clothes and hairstyles -
.Attitudes and friends -.I couldnt go to work with my hair dyed pink -
.Youre harder -.You haventt changed so much as a pair of socks since Ivvve known you -
.Oh, come on, Laura. Now yourejust being stupid - .At least you used to talk about the future -
.Now you dont even do that
.Look, Im all right. Yourre the one that hates her job -.See? You haventtt got a clue -
.I like my job
All Im saying is, you have to allow ... for things to happen to people
.most of all to yourself
.And you dont, Rob
?So whats the use
.Rob, its your turn
.Okay, Im feeling kinda basic today
.Top Five Side Ones, Track Ones
JJanieJones, The Clash, from The Clash
LLetsss Get It On,
Nirvana, SSmells Like Teen Spirit, off of Nevermind
Oh, no, Rob, thats not .obvious enough. Not at all
How about, uh Point of No Return on Point of No Return
Louis, you couldnt get - .up- - Shut up. Shut up
White Light / White Heat / Velvet Underground Okay, that would be on my list
.Though not on mine -.And Massive Attack, No Protection
The song is Radiation Ruling the Nation. Ohh!
Kind of a new record. Very- - Excuse me. I was - .in here last night- - In a minute. Very nice, Rob
A sly declaration of new classic status .slipped into a list of old safe ones
.Very pussy
Excuse me, I was in - .here last- - In a minute
,Couldnt you be any more obvious than that ?Rob? How about, uh, I dontt know, the Beatles
?How about fucking - fucking Beethoven. Track one, side one of the Fifth Symphony
How can someone who has no interest ?in music own a record store
,Do you still have that, uh ?Beefheart French import, Safe as Milk
.Um, lets see
.Ah, yes, here it is
Yes
How much you - - want for it? - Uh
.Yes - Oh, no?You know what
.I dont think Imm selling it this week. Maybe next week -.Oh, no. You said that last week -
,Did I? Yeah, well -I just- I- Uh
.Nicely played
You know, I dont have that .record. Illl buy it for 40
?Rob - .Sold -
?Now, why would you sell it to me and not to him -.Because youre not a geek, Louis -
.You guys are snobs. - No, were not - .No, seriously, yourre totally elitist -
You feel like the unappreciated scholars, so .you shit on the people who know less than you
No. - Which is - .everybody. - Yes
.Its just sad, thatss all
.Im sick ofthe sight of this place
...Some days Im afraid Illl go berserk
throw the country A rack out on the street
and go work at a Virgin .Megastore and never come back
,Hello. - Hey - .Liz. - Hey, Rob
You know, I just wanted to call and thank .you for that message you sent me last night
It really made me feel .like less of an asshole
?Oh. Well, how are you holding up
Good. Good. I mean, look, maybe were?just not right for each other, right
.I mean, or maybe we are -.Mmm. Yeah -
Time will tell at this point, and if its .time to move on, itss time to move on
I dont know. I- I dontt - want to take sides and
And I like you with Laura. I .think you guys are good together
.And I dont think much of this Ian guy
.Rob, Marie De Salle is in the store
.I gotta go, Liz
.We should maybe turn off her music -.I know -
.Hey. I like the music
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can .go turn it off if you want
.You might be sick of it
.You should turn it up - .Oh, right, yeah. - Yeah -
Okay, let me go do that after I go do .something else that I have to go do
All righty. Hmm. - Yeah, I - ?got the, uh- Excuse me. Okay
?What fucking Ian guy
.Laura doesnt know anybody called Ian
.Theres no Ian in her office!She has no friends called Ian
Im almost certain she has never met .anyone named Ian in her entire life
...She lives in an
I. Ian-less universe
II. Raymond
III. Ray
Ian
,Mr I. Raymond. Ray to his friends .and more importantly to his neighbour
The guy who, until about six .weeks ago, lived upstairs
I start to remember .things about him now
.His horrible clothes and hair
His music: Latin, Bulgarian, whatever .world music was trendy that week
.He had rings on his fingers. Awful cooking smells
,I never liked him much then .and I fuckin hate him now
We used to listen to .him having sex upstairs
.Jeez, he goes on long enough
.Mm-hmm. I should be so lucky
It feels so good
You are as abandoned and noisy as .any character in a porn film, Laura
You are lans plaything, responding to .his touch with shrieks of orgasmic delight
No woman in the history of the world is having ... better sex than the sex you are having with Ian
.in my head
Oh, baby, give it up
Ain t no use
.Number five: Jackie Alden
Jackie Aldens breakup had no .effect on my life whatsoever
It was a casual thing, and .I was glad when it ended
I just slotted her in to .bump Laura out of position
.But now, congratulations, Laura
.You made it to the top five
.Number five with a bullet. Welcome
Wont somebody please
Help me with my misery
Cant somebody see -.Hey -
?Do you have soul
What this one loves done to me
.That all depends
Now I know, I know -.Back row, right next to the blues -
.Championship Vinyl
.Yeah. Yeah, Im interested. Sure
?Whats your address
.Hey, Liz - .Hey, Rob -
!You fucking asshole
.Hi, Barry
Soarin andborin
I feel Im ignorin
My time in the world Have you heard
For a couple of years I .was a deejay at a club
...I was good at it, I think
and while I was doing it is .the happiest Ive ever been
.And thats where I met Laura
She was already a lawyer, but ... she worked for Legal Aid
hence the leatherjacket .and the clubbing
.Oh, I liked her right away
!Hey - !Hey -
Thats a kick-ass - ?record. - What
Thats a kick-ass - .record. - Yeah. I know
?Um, whats your name -.Laura -
Hey. I was gonna say, come back .next week and Ill make you a tape
All right. Thank - .you. - Okay? - Great
.Rob -.Im still Laura -
To be honest, I hadnt met anyone as ... promising as Laura since I started deejaying
and meeting promising women is kind ofwhat .the deejaying thing is supposed to be about
And anyway, we - we. moved on from there
She lost her lease on her apartment .in Lakeview, and she moved in with me
.And it stayed that way foryears
She didnt make me ... miserable, or anxious
or .ill-at-ease
And you know, it sounds .boring, but it wasnt
,It wasnt spectacular ... either. It wasjust
good
.But really good
?So, how come Im suddenly an asshole
I get the feeling that ... Liz talked to Laura
...and Liz stuck up for me
.and Laura told her a few things
,I dont know what precisely Laura said ,but she would have revealed at least two
maybe even all four of the .following pieces of information
...One: that I slept with someone else
.He slept with somebody else -?What -
.while she, Laura, was pregnant
.While I was pregnant -!No -
Two
that my affair -directly contributed
Pretty much directly to me .terminating the pregnancy
.No - :Three -
that after the abortion, I borrowed ... a large sum of money from her
.Four grand or so -.and have not, as ofyet, repaid any of it -
!The bastard
Four
...that shortly before she left me
I told her that I was kind of ... unhappy in the relationship
and maybe sort of looking .around for someone else
He was sort of, maybe looking around for somebody else
?Did I do and say those things -.Yes -
!No -.Yes, I did -
.I am a fuckin asshole
- .Thats it - .Liz- No. Sit down
.Sit down
.Thats shocking
.That is shocking
.First of all, the money
.Laura had it and I didnt
.And she wanted to give it to me
Ive never been able to pay her .back because Ivve never been able to
Just because she moved in ... with some Supertramp fan
.it doesnt make me five grand richer
And number two, this stuff about me?half-looking around for someone else
.She tricked me into saying it
We were having this ... State-of-the-Union type conversation
,and she said, quite matter of factly .that we were pretty unhappy at the moment
.And did I agree? And I said yes
And she asked me whether I ever .thought about meeting other people
So then I asked her ifshe ever .thought about meeting someone else
She says, Of course. So I admit that. yes, I daydream about it from time to time
Now I can see what we were really ... talking about is her and Ian
.and she suckered me into absolving her
It was a sneaky lawyers ... trick and I fell for it
.because shes much smarter than me
.All right, then the pregnancy
I didnt know she was .pregnant. Of course I didntt
I didnt know because. she hadntt told me
She hadnt told me because I had told her that. I had sor - Yes, Idd slept with someone else
So I didnt find out she .was pregnant till way later
We were going through this good period and - I made some crack about having kids and
?What -.and shejust burst into tears -
And I said, WWell, what is it,
...And I made her tell me, and she did
and I went into this brief and ill-advised - bout of self-righteousness, you know
What right do you have? My child. too - blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
.That pretty much brings us up to date
?Who needs a drink
Who loves the sun
Who cares that it makes plants grow
.Whats wrong with me? Seriously
?What happened
?Why am I doomed to be left
?Doomed to be rejected
.I need answers
.Number one. To Alison Ashmore
?Hello -.This is, uh, Rob Gordon calling -
Hi. -Im an old friend - -of alisonss and, um
?What did you say your name was -.Rob. Rob Gordon -
Um, I was actually her- her first ... boyfriend in-in-in the seventh grade
and I was just wondering if you had any - way of reaching her or her number or
I hate to quibble with you, Rob, but .Alison married her first boyfriend
Kevin Bannister. He is her .first and last boyfriend
.You gotta be kidding me - .Uh, no, Im quiteserious -
.She is Mrs Kevin Bannister .She lives in Australia
.We went out together in the seventh grade -.I beg your pardon -
Well, technically, Im ?her first boyfriend, okay
I met her a few days before Kevin .did. Technically, number one. Me
I dont know what you mean by technically. You know
.Im number one. Me. Technically
.I see. Well, maybe its my mistake
.Ive got to go now, Bob. Okay, bye-bye
Who loves the sun
!Alison married Kevin
!I am fine now
Married her junior .high school sweetheart
Kissed me on the bench. Kissed .Kevin on the bench. Married Kevin
This is great! This has .got nothing to do with me
.This is fate. This is destiny
,It is beyond my control !beyond my fault. I love this
I want more. I want to see .the others on the big top five
I wanna see Penny and Charlie .and Sarah, all ofthem, you know
Just see em and talk to eem, you .know, like a Bruce Springsteen song
,You call, you ask em how they are .and you see if theyvve forgiven you
Yeah, and then - and. then Id feel good
.And theyd feel good
,No, theyd feel good maybe .but youdd feel better
.Id feel clean and calm
Thats what yourre looking for. You wanna get .ready to start again, thatddd be good for you
.Great, even
Youd give that big final good luck and goodbye to. your all-time top five and just move on down the road
.Good luck. Goodbye
.Thanks, Boss
Penny is as beautiful as she was in high .school and really grown into herself
,She reviews movies for a living ... which is unassailably cool
even if she does make these little .notes with this little flashlight pen
We have a good time, and we hate the .same actors, and everythings going great
She tells me about her .life. I tell her about mine
.We both get it. We both relate
And then, with no real .explanation, I just launch into it
I tell her about how Laura wanted ... to sleep with Ian and not me
Charlie wanted to sleep ... with Marco and not me
Alison Ashmore wanted .Kevin Bannister and not me
And you, you wanted to - you wanted... to have sex with Chris Thompson
.and not me
And I was helping - hoping you could help... me understand why this keeps happening
why, you know, Im doomed to .be left, doomed to be rejected
?Do you understand
.Well, Rob, uh, I was crazy about you
I wanted to sleep with you one. day, but not when I was 16
You know, when you -broke up with me
you broke up with me ... because I was, I was
to use your charming ... expression, tight
...I cried and I cried and I hated you
and when that little shit bag asked me ... out and I was too tired to fight him off
it wasnt rape, because I said .okay, but it wasntt far off
You know I couldnt have sex until ?after college because I hated it so much
Thats when yourre supposed!to have sex, Rob - in college
And now you want to have a .little chat about rejection
.Well, fuck you, Rob
.God, shes right
.I broke up with her. I rejected her
Thats another one I dontt have to worry .about. I shouldvvve done this years ago
?Maam, could I get the cheque, please
.Next up, Charlie
...But Im not quite ready for that
so I go directly to number four .on the all-time breakup list
Sarah, my partner in .rejection who rejected me
.Hi, Rob - .Hi -
.Nice to see you
.Hi. Okay, yeah - .Nice to see you -
Yeah. - You want me to - .come- - You wanna- - Sure
- .You wanna- - Yeah - .Yeah, lets go out a bit
.I cant believe I left you for him
.Probably seemed like a good idea at the time, Sarah -.Yeah, I dont know why, though -
?Are you seeing anybody - .Um, no, yeah -
No? - Yeah. I - .mean, Im not- - No
I- I-I am. Im in between?things. How are you doin
.Me? Im not good - .Really? - No -
Oh, its so hard. The medication .I was on is not working
So were trying something else, but itss like, they - donttt know about it, so Immmm like a guinea pig, and
,But Im making money. Thatss good .cccause I lost myjob a month ago
So its been, like, hand-to-mouth- - No, I - .haventt got the heart for the rejection conversation
There are no hard feelings here, and Im glad .she ditched me and not the other way around
,Im late for work. and I - Illl call you
.Okay. - Nice to see you - .Bye. - Bye. See you later
I couldve wound up .having sex back there
And what better way to exorcise rejection demons?than to screw the person who rejected you, right
But you wouldnt be .sleeping with a person
,Youd be sleeping with a whole .sad single-person culture
Itd be like sleeping with Talia .Shire in Rocky if you werentt Rocky
.I feel guilty enough as it is
.Theres only Charlie left now
.Shes in the fuckin phone book
.She should be living on Neptune. Shes an extraterrestrial
A ghost, a myth, not a .person in a phone book
.Hi, this is Charlie - .Answering machine -
,Leave me a message- - Ill leave a nice - .polite message and shelll never call back
Oh, the Killing Moon EP, its almost .impossible to find, especially on CD
Yet another cruel trick played on all the .dumb-asses who got rid of their turntables
But every other Echo and the Bunnymen - .album- - Yeah, I have all the other ones
Oh, you do? Well, how about ?the Jesus and Mary Chain
- Ah, they always seemed - ?They always seemed what -
They always seemed really great .is what they always seemed
They picked up where your precious Echo left off, and .youre sittin around complainin about no more Echo albums
I cant believe you dontt own. this fucking record. Thatsss insane
Jesus!
?Can I get two receipts with that - ... Well, the interesting thing about Green Day -
is that so much oftheir ... music is, in truth
directly influenced by, in - my opinion, uh, two bands
- The Clash - .The Clash -
.Uh, correct, uh, the Clash
Uh, but also by this band .called, uh, Stiff Little Fingers
Um, I think you would .really love this band
.Uh, it sounds great
My names - - Anaugh. - The name
.Um, my names Dick
?Is this the new Green Day
.You dont have it? That is perverse
Dont tell anybody you dontt .own fucking Blonde on Blonde
.Its gonna be okay
I will now sell five copies of .the three EPs by the Beta Band
Do it
If theres something inside that you wanna say
Say it loud Itll be okay
I will be all right I will be all right
If theres something inside that you wanna say
You can say it loud, itll be okay -?Who is that -
.Its the Beta Band -.Itss good -
I know
!Barry! The door -!Fuck -
!Go! Go! Go - !Go, go, go, go -
!Gotta go back -!Hey -
,Okay, fuckos, how much is this deck worth to you ?and how much did you steal? Can you do the math
.Barry, call the cops - .No! - Hold up, hold up -
Ryuichi Sakamoto, Sigue Sigue .Sputnik, Breakbeats, Serge Gainsbourg
?What, are you guys stealing for other people -.No, those are for us -
?You guys slamming to Joni Mitchell now -.Man, youre, like, so bigoted -
.You look at us and think you know what we listen to -.I think you have more -
.Okay
.Hi
?What do you want -.I thought I could give you a ride back -
?Are you coming home -.Yeah -
Well, Id like to come over to .your house to pick up some things
.My house
?Howd it go today
.All right
?Do you want to go -.Sure -
So, have you tackled the?great reorganization yet
You bet. You can take .this with you if you want
.Look at this place. Laura, its a dump
?What are you making now ?Sixty, seventy a year
.And you were living in this shithole
Bet you cant even remember .what you were doing here
I was here because I .wanted to be with you
.It had nothing to do with this place
?So, uh, where are you staying now
.I think you know that
?I had to work that out for myself, though, didnt I -.Imm sorry -
.I know I havent been very fair
.Thats why I came to the store tonight
It took me a while to .work up the courage
?You scared now - .Yes, of course I am -
I feel terrible, Rob. You .know, this is really hard
.Good
So how is everything going with Ian?
?Is it working out okay
.Youre living with the guy -.Dontt -
.Im just asking you how itss going
Look, Im not living with the guy, okay
Im just staying with him for a few .days until I figure out what Imm doing
I left because we werent exactly getting .along, and we werentt talking about it
Im getting to a point where I ... want to get my shit together
and I cant really see that .ever happening with you
And, yes, I sort of got .interested in someone else
And that went further than it should .have, so it seemed like a good time to go
But I have no idea what will .happen with Ian in the long run
.Probably nothing
?So, what
You definitely havent ?decided to dump me? Is that it
Theres still a chance we ?might get back together
.I dont know - ... Well, if you dontt know -
?theres a chance, right
I mean, it would be like if someone was ... in the hospital and he was seriously ill
and the doctor said, I dont know if this patient has a chance of survival or not.
That doesnt mean that the patientss definitely .gonna die now, does it? I mean, he might live
.Even if its a remote possibility -.I suppose so -
So we have a chance - .of not- - Shut up, Rob
I just want to know where I stand - - here. What chance do we have? -What
.I dont know what chance we have - -If you could tell me roughly -
All right, we have a nine percent .chance of getting back together
?Nine - .Nine -
.Great - ... Look, I know Im asking a lot -
but could you take off for a while ?so I can get my stuff packed up
.No problem
?You want me to leave my own house -.Yes, please -
?Laura, can I ask you one question
.Yes. One
.Youre not gonna like it -.Just ask it -
?Is it better -?Is what better? Better than what -
?Well, sex, I guess. Is it better
?Is that really whats bothering you -.Yes. Yes, of course -
Do you really think it would?make a difference either way
.I dont know -.Well, the answer is, I dontt know either -
.We havent done it yet
?Never -.I havent felt like it -
Not even before, when?he was living upstairs
?No. I was living with you, remember
,Weve slept together .but we haventt made love
.Not yet
.Ill tell you one thing -?What -
.Sleeping together is better
?Sleeping together is better
But not the sex, because ?you havent done it yet
?Will you please just go -.Yeah -
We are the champions
My friends - !Yes -
And well keep on fighting -!Put eem up -
Till the end -.I feel good. I feel great -
We are the champions - .I feel like a new man -
...I feel so much better, in fact - We are the champions -
.that I go straight out and sleep with Marie De Salle - No time for losers -
Cause we are the champions
How could this have happened? you ask
How does he How does he do it?
How does a regular guy like me become the number ?one lover man in his particular postal district
Hes grumpy. Hess broke. He hangs ... out with the musical moron twins
and yet he gets to go to bed .with somebody like Marie De Salle
.Hey. Marie
?Everything go all right -.Yeah, yeah -
,She just wanted to pick up some stuff - you know. It was no big deal. It was just
,I hate that time .picking-up-stuff time
You know that song I play, Eartha Kitt Times Two? of course!
I wrote that about me and my ex .dividing our record collection
.Its a great, great song
...A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed - .I wrote that just before I moved here -
that what really matters ... is what you like
.not what you are like
- Books, records, films .These things matter
.Call me shallow. Its the fuckin truth
And by this measure, I was having .one ofthe best dates of my life
?You love that show -!Yes -
- Starring, um - Starring, um?Who starred in The Prisoner
McGoohan. - Patrick - !McGoohan. - Thats right
.And then we talk about our exes
.Shes dry and self-deprecating
Great sense of humour about it, and I .can really see why her songs are so good
.I guess shes happy with him -.I dontt speak about Laura with as much depth -
,But it feels, even to me. like Im being intimate
I express regret. I say ... nice things about her
and I hint at a deep ocean of ... melancholy just below the surface
.which is all bullshit really
Ive just invented a sketch ... of a decent, sensitive guy
because Im in the .position to invent him
,And I guess all that charming ... nervous stuff seems to work somehow
...because we get back to her house and
Throw my suitcase out there too
.it just happens
Throw my covers out the door - .And then we make love. Its great -
I dont need them any more -.And thatss it. Immm not gonna go into all that other stuff -
You know, the .who-did-what-to-whom stuff
You know that song Behind Closed Doors by Charlie Rich?
.Its one of my favourite songs
.I can say we had a good time. I can say that - Should I have left this town -
.Maries a terrific woman
But it wasmore than I could do
And then in -the morning
...You didnt have me fooled
,acting all cool about .um, whats-her-name
.Laura -.Laura, right, right. Laura -
?What was yours called again - .It was called James -
.James - .James -
?Do you miss him
?Yeah. Thats how it works, right
I think its okay if you feel horny .and fucked up at the same time
I mean, why should we be ... denied our basic human rights
just cause we messed?up our relationships
?You think sex is a basic human right
.Hell, yeah! Yeah
Im not gonna let that asshole .come between me and a fuck
?Which way are you going -?That way. You -
.That way - .Ah, so it is -
.Talk to ya - .Ill call you -
.Right
What did Laura mean last night when she said, I haven't slept with him yet?
Yet! What does yet mean anyway?
It means youre gonna do ?it, doesntt it? Or does it
Just come on. What would it :mean to you, that sentence
I haven't seen Evil Dead 2 yet
Well, to me it would mean that .youre a liar. Youvve seen it twice
Once with Laura- oops- and ?once with me and Dick, remember
We had that conversation about the guy making .Beretta shotgun ammo off-screen in the 14th century
Right. All right, but lets ... just say that I hadntt seen it
and I said to you, I haven't seen Evil Dead 2 yet, what would you think?
Id think that yourre a cinematic .idiot, and Iddd feel sorry foryou
,All right. But from that one sentence ?would you think that I was going to see it
.Im sorry, Rob. Imm struggling here
Youre asking me what would ... I think if you told me
you hadnt seen a film .that you have already seen
What am I supposed to say? -Just - -listen to me. If I said to you
I haven't seen Evil Dead 2 yet yes
Would you get the impression ?that I really wanted to see it
...Oh, uh, well
you couldnt have been desperate to see .it, otherwise youdd have already gone
.Right. Im not gonna see that movie
But the word yet. Yeah, you know what?
I get the impression that ... you wanted to see it
otherwise youd have said .you didntt want to go
,But in your opinion?would I definitely go
How the fuck am I .supposed to know? Probably
?Why -.Because its a brilliant film -
Its so funny and violent, and .the soundtrack kicks fucking ass
I never thought Id say ?this, but can I go work now
Look, Laura, if you dont want me to call .you at work, then give me your home number
.Oh, I forgot. You cant
Im not gonna get off this phone .until you agree to meet me for a drink
I mean, Im sorry, but I dontt just ... see why this has to be on your terms
.all the time -.Okay -
.I mean, really -.Okay! Okay. Well meet then tonight -
Thatd - Thatdd be great if yourrre not... too busy. Itlllll be really good to
.see you
?So how are you
?Have you slept with him yet
?Is that why you wanted to see me -.I guess -
?What do you want me to say
,I want you to say you havent .and I want that to be the truth
.I cant do that
Say a word for Jimmy Brown
He ain t got nothin aat all
You must have known it would happen. You .couldnt have been entirely unprepared
.Like you said, Ive been living with the guy .We were bound to get around to it sometime
?Rob, are you there ?What are you thinking
We can meet for another .drink if you want
So I can explain it .better. I owe you that much
.I dont have your number
You know, Idont want this to be the last .conversation we have. I know what yourre like
?You do, huh
.I need a second opinion
.Hi, this is Tim. City and state, please
Uh, Chicago. A .residence. Mr Ian Raymond
.Please hold for that number - ?May I also have that address -
.Certainly - .Thank you -
?Rob -.Laura, I just want to say something -
I think youure running. Yourre ... running from a, a sharp point
,that anybody hits in any relationship .and its just gonna happen again
But its gonna be with this guy .Ian, later, when yourre older
All right? With a guy with .a Steven Seagal ponytail
?You know what Im saying .And-And he doesn tt love you
And he doesn t understand .you, not the way I will
Andl will even more - so in the future. And
I mean, if you want to - experiment or whatever
Im not experimenting. Why ?dontt you go experiment
?Laura, are you okay - .Uh, yeah, Im fine -
Is that him? - Look, can you- Can - .you call me at work?I gotta go now
- .You look upset - ... Yeah, Im- Imm upset
.but Im fine
.Maybe I should talk to him -.No, I dont think thatss a good idea -
.Conflict resolution is myjob -.Yeah, I know -
But - But, Ian, theres really. nothing to resolve, but Thank you
.You have got to stop calling her!Youre really upsetting her and him
.Like I care about him - .Well, you should -
?Why -!Because all youre doing is forming a little unit. Them against you -
Before you started all this .psychotic madness, there was no unit
.There was just three people in a mess
.But now theyve got something in common
And you dont want to .make anything worse
How could it get any ?worse than Laura with Ian
.Come on, Liz - .Rob, Rob, Rob -
Can I ask you a question? And you .can think about it if you want to
?Just what is it
?Why do you want Laura back so badly
.Rob, phone
I was walking on the water when I saw a crocodile
,Barry, that fucking pricers busted .and Imm not the one who broke it
.Hello - ?Rob -
?Who is this
Is this Ch?Is this Charlie
.Hi. I just got back into town
.Wow! Rob Gordon. The Rob Gordon
So how are you doing?Huh? Does it ?seem like millions of years ago
?Yeah, yeah. Like a billion, right
So, uh - God, Charlie?Nicholson. How are you
I mean, do you have kids and ?stuff like everybody else
,No. No, Im too young .too single. I dontt know
,Kids are too time-consuming, I guess .is the expression Im looking for
Im not making this up. This is how... she talks - as if nobody ever had
a conversation about having kids .in the entire history of the world
.Shes incredible
?So, anyway, are you in or out, Rob
,Im sorry? - Well - .you know- Idontt know
I just find these long-lost .boyfriend calls a little unnerving
.Theres been a rash of them recently -?Is that right -
Yeah. Oh, remember Marco? I .went out with him after you
.Kind of - .Kind of, yeah -
.Well, he called a few months ago
I think he was going through one of those .what-does-it-all-mean kind of things
He wanted to see me and rehash the past, as they say
?God. Was I up for that - No. No. So- I dont know
?Do all men go through that - .Ive never heard of it before -
Im sorry, Charlie, but what does Are you in or out mean?
Well, it means, are we?friends or arent we
Because if we are, thats .great. Thatss great
But if were not, I dontt really want to .spend time playing catch-up on the phone
You know what I mean? Im ?just really busy, you know
.Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. of course
?So, are you in or out, Rob - .Im in. Imm in. Immm in -
Oh, yeah? Great. Do you want to come ?for a dinner party tomorrow night
Have you ever watched a moonbeam
?Can I help you
A sit slid across your windowpane -.Hello, Rob -
.Remember me? Ray. Ian
I thought maybe we should .talk. You know, sort things out
?What needs sorting out - .Ten phone calls a night -
.Hanging around outside my house
.Ive stopped all of that now - .You were there this morning -
Obviously, I know how special ... Laura is, and I know how
much pain you must be .going through right now
.I would hate it if I lost her
?Oh. Guess who
But Id like to believe ... that if she decided
that she didnt want to ... see me any more that
.I would respect those wishes
?You know what Im saying, G
.Yeah - .Good -
?So shall we leave it at that then
,Ive already left it !you pathetic rebound fuck
Now, get your patchouli !stink out of my store
!Move it, lard-ass
.Dumb mother fucker
?So, um, shall we leave it at that then
.Tsk. No - !Dont! Dontt -
!Hes not worth it -!Leave town -
!Leave the country! You little bitch
Cause youlll look back at ten phone !calls a night as the golden age
!Get ready, mother fucker
?So shall we leave it at that then
Get him!
!Come on! Get him - !Get him, man -
Have you ever watched a moonbeam - .Well, think about it, Rob -
Okay?
A sit slid across your windowpane
.Hey, jelly bean
.Charles
?How are you - ?Good. How are you -
Actually, its. hilarious. Itss hilarious
.Hey, everybody! Everybody, this is Rob
.Rob, this is everybody
.Hi - .Hi -
?Come on in. Make yourself at home. Is that for me -.Yeah -
.Oh, its a little warm. Illl put it in the fridge - ... I think if you get a dog -
.youve got to raise it yourself -?Your place doesntt have a yard, does it -
.You got to deal with a dog from day one -.of course you do -
You gotta take care of - - it, raise it- - Yeah, but
?Do you want a drink - .Yeah, I would -
...I can see now that Im doomed to die
,a long, slow suffocating death .and I try to figure out why
.of course theres envy ?Why isntt my life like this
Sure, I want their money and .clothes and jobs and opinions
And Id like to have advice .on jet lag, but thatss not it
I mean, theyre not bad people, and Imm .not a class warrior. Itsss something else
I never did. I never did. And I was very - .supportive- - And then it dawned on me
.It came down to me to tell him the truth -.Charlies awful -
?What was the truth
She doesnt listen to anyone. She says - - terrible, stupid things... - No. Well, I have
and she apparently has no sense of humour - -at all... - Youre right. I have to talk
.and talks shit all night long
.Come here, you. Oh, I love you. - Bye-bye - .Maybe shes been like this all along -
.Bye, sweetheart - .Bye-bye -
?Call me tomorrow, okay - .Thanks for having us -
.Call me. Promise to call me. Bye
?How did I manage to edit all this out
How had I made this girl the ?answer to all the worlds problems
.Hey, Charlie - .Hey, Rob -
So, Charlie, whyd?you dump me for Marco
!Fuck! I knew it! I knew it
!I knew it! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck
?What - ... You are. You are going through -
one of those .what-does-it-all-mean things
.I cant believe you, Rob -.Yes, I am. Very much. Indeed so -
.Oh, God -.Come on. Answer the question -
.Oh, come on, Charlie. Dont hold back
.You can say whatever you like
?Whyd you dump me for Marco
Marco just seemed to .be a bit more glamorous
.You know? More sure of himself
.Less hard work
.A little sunnier
.Sparkier
Through the park Make love along the way
In Mendocino -?You put that ad up -
.Yeah -?What can you play -
Nothin. What kind?of stuff are you into
.The kind of stuff you mentioned
But we want to be more .experimental than that
,We want to retain our pop sensibilities, but .kind of, you know, go a little further out
.That sounds great - .No gigs yet -
We just got together. Is ?Tuesday night cool for you
...Well just, you know - What I have told you -
.jam. - Yeah - Can you dig it -
.All right
.Later
?What -?What do you mean, what -
Youve had that poster up on .the wall for, like, 17.000 years
And then some guy comes in off the .street. You act like its no big deal
.Its just a garage band .Itss nothing special
.Barry, you dont even play an instrument -.I can sing -
What, you think Im gonna stick?around here the rest of my life
Hey, its half past a .monkeyss ass. Letsss go
Oh, I cant, um, meet you .guys at the club tonight
Thats the way it is in Mendocino -?Why -
Who are you going to - .see? - Mendocino - Nobody
?Rob! Lookie, lookie! Dick, are you getting some - Mendocino -
!Un-fucking-believable
!Dicks got a hot date ?How did this happen, Dick
What rational explanation can ?there possibly be? Whats her name
.Anaugh -?Anaugh? Anaugh Conda -
.Anaugh Moss - ?Anaugh Moss -
?Is she all green and fuzzy and mossy
?And you met this bruiser where exactly
The home for the mentally challenged ?or the blind or the bus station
Um, here. She asked me about ... the, uh, new Green Day album
- -and then I told her - .Oh, man! Finally! Anaugh
!Thats great, Dick .Really, smoke that ass
Listen, Rob, I cant .go to the club either
.I gotta get some lyrics down on paper
,Oh, yeah, me too. Well .not, uh, lyrics to get down
But, um, uh - So Ill. see you, um, tomorrow
.Hi, Laura - Top five dream jobs.
.Hey, thats private - Number one -
jjournalist for Rolling .Stone magazine, 1976 to 1979
GGet to meet the Clash, Chrissie .Hynde, Sex Pistols, David Byrne
:GGet tons of free records. Number two
pproducer, Atlantic .Records, 1964 to 1971
Get to meet Aretha, Wilson .Pickett, Solomon Burke
.More free records - More free records and a shitload of money.
.Yeah - Number three: any kind of musician.
.Besides classical or rap
Settle for being one of the Memphis Horns or something. Sure
I'm not asking to be Jagger or Hendrix or Otis Redding. Uh-huh
Number four: film director. Any kind except German or silent
And number five, we have architect.
.Yeah -.Seven years training -
.Im not sure I even want to be an architect - ... So youvve got a list here -
of five things youd ... do if qualifications
and time and history and ?salary were no object
.Yeah -.One of them you dont really want to do anyway -
.Well, I did put it at number five
Wouldnt you rather own your own ?record store than be an architect
.Yeah, I suppose - ... And you wouldnt want to be a -
16th-century explorer or -the king of France or
.God, no -.All right. There you go then -
:Dream job number five .record store owner
I find it interesting that you .keep showing up here, Laura
.Well, this is the last of it
?Those bags look heavy. Wheres Ian
Or Ray or - What is?his fucking name anyway
?What do you call him? Ian or Ray -.Ray -
.I hate Ian - .I hate him too -
.Yeah, Im sure
.See ya
.Goodbye
.Top five things I miss about Laura
One: sense of humour. Very dry, but .it can also be warm and forgiving
And shes got one of the best all-time .laughs in the history of all-time laughs
.She laughs with her entire body
.Two: Shes got character
Or at least she had character .before the Ian nightmare
...Shes loyal and honest and
she doesnt even take it out on .people when shess having a bad day
.Thats character
:Three
...I miss her smell
.and the way she tastes
,Its a mystery of human chemistry .and I dontt understand it
Some people, as far as your senses .are concerned, just feel like home
.I really dig how she walks around
Its like she doesntt care how .she looks or what she projects
,And its not that she doesntt care. itsss just - Shessss not affected, I guess
.And that gives her grace
And five: She does this thing in .bed when she cant get to sleep
She kind of half-moans and then rubs her .feet together an equal number of times
.It just kills me
Believe me, I mean, I could do a ... top-five-things about her that drive me crazy
but its just your garden variety ... women, you know, schizo stuff
and thats the kind of .thinking that got me here
!Look out -!Damn! You maggots -
!Whoa, whoa! Toss it, man
.Youre pretty when yourre angry -!Shit -
.Hey, Rob, Laura called -?Really -
What you gonna do
The mans gone out to get you
How you gonna know
?What is this -.Its Vince and Justin -
?Whos Vince and Justin -.Itss those little skate fuckers -
.No way - .Way -
Its -really
.Its really fuckin good
Hey, do you guys know Vince and ?Justin, the guys that come in my store
,Yeah, theyre right over there - .man. - Thanks. - No problem
Quit smoking. Im telling - .you should- - Hey! Your tape
Its good. - I know. We made - .it. - Itss all right. Thank you
,I mean, its rough, but .unbelievably, it shows promise
.Ill put out your record
Any profits we split down the ?middle after I recoup expenses, okay
Recoup expenses? Man, youre gonna recoup .a big, fat Mercedes is what yourre gonna do
.Were not there yet,Justin -.Imm Vince -
?Whatever. Whats the name ofyour band
.Uh, the Kinky Wizards -.Nice -
?Whats the name ofyour label
.Top Five Records
What was that? You just told them ?youre gonna put out a record with them
Yeah. So what? You said yourselfthose guys ?were good. What are you getting hot about
Well, it just seems that you think it ... would be wiser to start a record label
by putting out a record with ... business-crippling Nazi youth shoplifters
,than with someone you know in your bitter .jealous heart is a musical visionary, thats all
Yeah, what do your songs sound like? Sex ?Pistols? Nirvana? Pop Abrams and the Smurfs
You know what? You wouldnt be .familiar with our immediate influences
.Try me. - Theyre mostly German - ?Kraftwerk? Falco? Hasselhoff -
?Hey. You called
.Fuckin asshole
Laura, are you - - all right? - My dad
.My dad died
?Whats up - .Laurass dad died -
.Oh, drag
.Im sorry, Rob
.Hey, top five songs about death
.A Lauras dad tribute list
.Okay? Okay
Leader Of The Pack.
The guy fuckin beefs it on ?his motorcycle and dies, right
Dead Mans Curve. Jan and Dean
Do you know that right after they recorded - that song, Jan himself, um, crashed his
.It was Dean, you fuckin idiot -.It wasJan -
It was a long time after - .the song- - Okay, whatever
Tell Laura I Love Her. That would bring the house down
.Lauras mom could sing it
?You know what Id want -?Huh -
One Step Beyond by Madness
.No, no, no, no, no ?Wh-When are you going home
.In a minute, when I get it together
And, uh, You Can't Always Get What You Want.
No, immediate disqualification because .of its involvement with The Big Chill
.Oh, God, youre right
Um, Mom wants you to .come to the funeral
?Oh. Me - ... Yeah, cause my dad really liked you, and -
,Mom never told him wed split .because he wasntt up to it
Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald Uh, Gordon Lightfoot
.Bastard. Thats so good .That should have been mine
Do you, uh - Do?you want me there
I dont care, as long as you .dontt expect me to hold your hand
?Is Ray going -!No -
The night Laura s daddy died
Sha-na-na, na-na-na na-na-na-na-na
Brother, what a night it really was
Mother, what a night it really - Anginas tough
Glorybe
Brother, what a night it really was
Brother, what a -night Anginas tough
Our Father, who art in .heaven, hallowed be Thy name
...Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done
.on Earth as it is in heaven Songs at my funeral -
Bless this day - Many Rivers To Cross by Jimmy Cliff
Angel by Aretha Franklin
and Ive always had this fantasy that some ... beautiful, tearful woman will insist on
You're The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me by Gladys Knight
?But who would that woman be -.Amen -
- .Hey,Jo - .Hi, Liz. - Hey
?How are you doing -.Im all right, I suppose -
Moms not too bad. But. Laura - I dontt know
Yeah, well, shes had a rough .time of it already without this
Its just so hard when you put all of ... your efforts into one area of your life
.and it doesnt work out
Dont mind me. Really. Itss no problem. Just pretend .like yourrre talking about someone else. Itssss okay
Well, in fact, we are talking about .someone else. Were talking about Laura
.Oh - ?Oh -
Don't fuckin say like that to me, Liz
Im really sorry,Jo. Look, I ... can either stick up for myself
or I can believe everything you say .about me and end up hating myself
But thats not much ?of a life, is it? Huh
I mean- - Do you think this is - - really the time to be talking about
?Just because its never the time, Liz .I cantt go on apologizing my whole life
!I think just the once would do
.Im very sorry, Laura - .Thanks for coming -
.Im so sorry, Laura
.Thank you. I appreciate that
.Laura, Im sorry
Most of the time
Im clear-focused all around
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path
I can read the sign
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
I dont even notice shess gone
.I can see now I never really committed to Laura - Most ofthe time -
...I always had one foot out the door
and that prevented me from ... doing a lot of things
like thinking about -my future and
.I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing - Most of the time -
.Keep my options open - Its well understood -
.And thats suicide - Most of the time -
.By tiny, tiny increments - I wouldn t change it if I could -
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation
Right down to the bone
I can survive and I can endure
Hell, I dont even think
About her
Most of the time
Are you gonna lie in ?that flower bed all night
.No
Youre soaking Yeah
.Youre also an idiot
Look, Laura, Im really sorry Thank you. I appreciate it
Why dont you just get back, and .Imm just gonna wait here for the bus
No, I dont want to be there. When I saw .you leave, I used it as an excuse to get out
?Is there anything I can do -.Come on -
?Where -.Ill show you. Letss go -
.Right
Dad used to bring us .here when we were kids
?Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me
Cause I want to feel .something else than this
Its either that, or I go home .and put my hand in the fire
Unless you want to stub .cigarettes out on my arm
.No. I only have a few left .Ive been saving them for later
.Right. Itll have to be sex then
.Right. Right
I knew there was a reason .I wore a skirt today
.Just stay there -.Okay -
.Hi - .Hi -
It doesnt seem so long ago .that I looked at you from here
.Hey, go be with your mom
.Im too tired
.Im too tired not to be with you
Well, so if you had a bit more?energy, wed stay split up
But things being as they are, with you being ?wiped out and all, you wanna get back together
?Is that it -.Yeah -
?What about Ian
.Well, Rays a disaster
...Look
.I, I know its not very romantic, Rob
But there will be romance again -at some stage, Im sure. I
I just So thats it?
Well, youve made it clear - you want me back, so
Look, um, we can talk about .it later if-if you want to
,Right now - I- I just
Right now, I just want .to go home with you
.Okay
.So, yeah
And so we got back .together, and it was great
She moved all her stuff .back in, all at once
?So when exactly did you decide to get back with me exactly -.Im not telling you -
See, thats not- not a nice way to play - at all. Thatss not- - The better you look
.We went out to dinner every night - The more I want you -
?What else
When you turn on your smile -.We stayed in and made love all the time -
I feel my heart go wild - .We talked about the future -
.Important stuff. Issues - Im like a child with -
A brand new toy -?How can you like Art Garfunkel and Marvin Gaye -
Thats like saying you support .the Israelis and the Palestinians
No, its not like saying .that at all actually, Rob
Marvin Gaye and Art .Garfunkel make pop records
Made. Made. Marvin Gayes .dead. His father shot him
You could say it was .everything I ever wanted really
Marvin Gaye I know
Letsss Get It On. Thats our song
Marvin Gaye is responsible .for our entire relationship
Oh, is that so? Id like .a word with him then
...It was everything I ever wanted
...except for some fuckin reason
this
?Excuse me. Is this Stereolab
.Yeah. Yeah, it is
I havent heard this .one. Itss really good
.Yeah, I know
?Are you Bob -.Rob -
.Oh, right. Yeah, Rob .You used to deejay
I used to go to the .Doubledoor to hear you spin
.You were unbelievable
?Really - .Im Caroline -
.Hi
?What do you do -.I work for the Reader. I write a music column -
?Youre Caroline Fortis .I read your column
.Its great. You really know what yourre talking about -.Thanks -
.Rob, phone -?Can you take a message -
.Its your girlfriend
.Excuse me
.Hey
?Hey, what the fuck is this
.Talk to your woman - .It was her idea -
Crumbsbusted Pass the -popcorn as I kick
Laura!
Dance music for old people?
Its an idea I had when ... I was with, um, Ian
and I thought it was such a good one that I .was really annoyed we werent together any more
.It may be why I came back - ?A record release party -
What if I was doing something ?that cant be cancelled
?Rob, what are you ever doing that cant be cancelled -!Thatss not the point -
!The single cannot be done in time. I mean, theres a million things -.Itlll be done -
Oh, guess what. Barry said .his band will play a set
?Barry is playing at this thing
Fucking, what are?you - Are you insane
Barry, Ill give- Illl give you ten - !percent of the door if you donttt play. - No
.Rob, were getting that anyway
.Twenty. Twenty percent -.No! Come on, Rob. We need the gig -
A hundred and ten percent. Thats how .much it means to me not to hear you play
.Rob, were called Sonic Death Monkey -?Sonic Death Monkey -
Yeah. And if Laura and her bourgeois .lawyer friends cant handle it, fuck them
Let em riot. Werre Sonic .fucking Death Monkey
.Let me get this straight .We made the CD with you
Now your friends and your girlfriend are throwing ... some kind of celebration party or something
and youre asking us ?not to come to the party
.Exactly
I dont know, dude. That .just seems kind of stupid
Its just the whole thing is .just blown way out of proportion
Its just a three-song .CD. Itss a single
Its just - Itss. not a big deal
.Its just that yourre making something
You, the critic, the ... professional appreciator
...put something new into the world
and the second one of those things gets sold .to someone, youre officially a part of it
.Congratulations, Rob
You know, I guess I think Ive ... always been a professional critic
you know, or some sort of .professional appreciator or something
And I just wanted to, you ... know, do something new
...put something new out into the world
you know, kind of really put .my money where my mouth is
,Yeah. Wow. I would - You know. I would love to hear them
?Why dont I send it over to you when itss, uh, done -?Really -
.I will look forward to that -.I will look forward to sending it -
.You know, we should get back to the interview -.Sure, yeah -
Okay. What are your all-time ?top five favourite records
?In a club or at home
Listen. Ill tell you what. Why ?dontt I just make you a tape
Now, the making of a good .compilation tape is a very subtle art
.Many dos and dontts
First of all, youre using someone .elsess poetry to express how you feel
.This is a delicate thing
,So, for this one -Im thinking
Im -thinking
?When is this gonna stop
?Whens what gonna stop
.Uh, nothin
?Whos the tape for
Just some girl who .interviewed me for the Reader
So what am I gonna do now? Just ... keep jumping from rock to rock
for the rest of my life until ?there arent any rocks left
Should I bolt every time I get that ?feeling in my gut when I meet someone new
Ive been thinking with my ... gut since I was 14 years old
and, frankly speaking, Ive come to the .conclusion that my guts have shit for brains
.Hi. A drinking lunch on a school day
.Thats a nice surprise
?Are you nervous about tomorrow night -.Not really, no -
Well, um, are you gonna talk to?me, or shall I get my paper out
.No, no, Im gonna talk to you -?Great. What are you gonna talk to me about -
Um, Im gonna talk to you ... about whether or not
.you want to get married to me
.Im serious - .Yes, I know -
.Well, thanks a fucking bunch
Im sorry, but two days ... ago you were making tapes
.for that girl from The Reader -.Yeah -
Well, forgive me if I dont think .ofyou as the worldss safest bet
?Would you marry me if I was
?What brought all this on -.I dont know -
.Im just sick of thinking about it all the time -?About what -
This stuff. Love and settling ?down and marriage, you know
.I want to think about something else
.I changed my mind
Thats the most romantic .thing Ivve ever heard
.I do. I will -.Just shut up, please -
?Im trying to explain, okay
That other girl, or - other women, whatever
I mean, I was thinking .that theyre just fantasies
You know? And they always ... seem really great
.because theres never any problems
And if there are, theyre ... cute problems like
you know, we bought each other ... the same Christmas present
or she wants to go see a movie?that Ive already seen, you know
And then I come home, and you ... and I have real problems
and you dont even want to see .the movie I want to see, period
Theres no lingerie - .and- - I have lingerie
,Yes, you do. You have great lingerie ... but you also have the cotton underwear
,thats been washed a thousand times - and itss hanging on the thing and
And they have it too. Its just I dont have to see it because it's not in the fantasy
?Do you understand
...Im tired ofthe fantasy
.because it doesnt really exist
And there are never really any - surprises, and it never really
?Delivers - .Delivers -
.Right. And Im tired of it
And Im tired of everything .else, for that matter
But I dont ever seem. to get tired ofyou
So
.I think I know what you mean
But were you really ?expecting me to say yes
I dont know. I didntt .think about it really
.I thought asking was the important part
.Well, youve asked. Thank you
!All right -.Uh, thanks for coming out here tonight -
That was just a little bit of I Sold My Moms Wheelchair...
the title track from ... the album of same name
the record were having this .record release party for
The two burgeoning criminals behind .this opus are standing by the bar
Theyre underage, and welll - lose our liquor license
.But well get to them in a moment
First, I have to introduce a ... band, so please dont leave
until after they finish .and we play the record
Right now, its my ... great, great pleasure
.to introduce Sonic Death Monkey
Im an idiot. I shouldvve .played the whole album first
.These people are gonna burn the place down -.No, no, its gonna be fine -
Its gonna be fine. These .people are ready for anything
.Its gonna be fine. Watch -.Thank you -
Youre too kind. Rob, Thank you ... for the enthusiastic intro
but were no longer .called Sonic Death Monkey
Uh, were on the verge of being .called, uh, Kathleen Turner Overdrive
However, this evening ... we will be BarryJive
.and the Uptown Five
Ive been really tryin... baby
To hold on to this feeling
For so long
And if you feel
Like Ifeel, sugar, come on
Ohhh, come on, oooh
Lets get it on
Lets love, sugar
Lets get it on
Sugar
Lets get it on
Whoo-ooh-ooh
We are all sensitive people
With so much to give
Understanding, sugar
Since we got to be
Lets live
I love you
Theres nothin wrong
With me loving you
And giving yourself to me
Could never be wrong
If the love is true, oh, baby
Dont you know how sweet and wonderful
Life can be - ... The making of a great compilation tape -
like breaking up, is hard to do and .takes ages longer than it might seem
You gotta kick it off with .a killer to grab attention
,Then you gotta take it up a notch .but you dont want to blow your wad
So then you gotta cool it off a .notch. There are a lot of rules
...Anyway, Ive started to make a tape
Heres the songs that meet our ears -.in my head for Laura -
And sights our eyes behold Full of stuff shed like
.Full of stuff thatd make her happy
Well open up our merging hearts
.For the first time, I can sort of see how thats done - And see our empty souls -
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fallin love
This time it will be forever
Without despair
We will share
And the joys ofcaring
Will not be replaced
What has been
Must never end
And with the strength we have
Wont be erased
When the truth of love are planned and firm
They wont be hard to find
And the words of love I speak toyou
Will echo in my mind
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fallin love this time
It willbe forever, ever
Ever, ever, ever, ever
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever, ever, ever
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever, ever
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever
God answered - I believe when I fallin love -
My prayer - Withyou it will be forever -
God answered my prayer - I believe when I fallin love with you -
It will be forever - Oh, baby -
Well, I just got out my little redbook
The minute that you said goodbye
I thumbed right through my little redbook
I wasn t gonna sit and cry
And I went from A toZ
I took out every pretty girl in town
They danced with me and as I held them
All I did was talk about you
Hear your name and Id start to cry
Theres just no getting over you
Oh, no
There ain t no girl in my little redbook
Who could ever replace your charms
And each girl in my little redbook
Knows youre the one Imm thinking of
Oh, wont you please come back
Without your precious love I cant go on
Where can love be, I need you so much
All I did was talk, talk about you
Hear your name and Id start to cry
Theres just no getting over you
Oh, no
Oh, wont you please come back
Without your precious love I cant go on
Its haunting me, I need you so much
All I did was talk, talk about you
Hear your name andld start to cry
Theres just no getting over you
All I did was talk, talk about you
Hear your name and, oh, Id start to cry
Theres just no getting over you
Oh, no